Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
