I wish my penis had an off switch
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
