How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
