i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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