The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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