So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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