Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
