If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
