i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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