your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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