I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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