Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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