He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
