2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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