Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
what day is it and did you see me today?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
