I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
