so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
