Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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