...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
