Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
they need to just BURY HIM!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
