Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
