I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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