last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
