My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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