Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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