the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
