i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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