he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
