when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
