Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
