is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
BRING THE BAGELS
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
