i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
