so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
