I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
