ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i came on her dog
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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