I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
