They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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