the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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