Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
ttyl tear gas
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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