Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just gift wrapped bread.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
