He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
