At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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