I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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