Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
