Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
