Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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