Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
