he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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