Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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