What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
