You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
