I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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