this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
